There are actually real neurological reasons why some of us find it harder to say "no" than others. Let's explore this together.
“No, and that’s final!” Those words echo whenever I think back to my childhood and the power of "no." Mum never deviated from her "no," but on the flip side, she always followed through with her "yes." If she said "yes," then, more often than not, it would happen. A great example was my burning desire to have a puppy: “pleeease mum, pleeease, we reeeally neeeed one. I promise I’ll take good care of it, take it for walks, and feed it.” The reply always came back, “I told you no means no, and that’s it, so don’t keep pestering me about it.” Her reasoning behind her firm "no" to my endless pleas was always, "Who's going to clean up after it when it's sick or has toilet accidents? Who’s going to clean up the mess in the garden, and what happens to it when we go on holiday? No, we’re not having ANY animals, and that’s final.” ...and it was!
So, what’s the power of "no" all about? The textbook answer would probably be something like this: ‘saying "no" involves establishing boundaries and being open about the reasons behind your decision to say "no". Easier said than done, right? So why is it easier to say "yes" than "no" for some people, while others seem to pop "no" out firmly and assertively so easily? Do some of us have more superpowers in the "no" department than others? Surprisingly enough, that’s not too far away from the truth; it’s not as simple as always saying "no" to "keep-the-peace," which, if I’m honest, was often my excuse as a young mum of two. There are actually real neurological reasons why some of us find it harder to say "no" than others. Let's explore this together.
Saying "yes" to your child can be an indication of a wired neural response, not a choice. Along with past experiences, the way you respond to your child’s demands involves a combination of emotional and ingrained neurological reactions. Stephen Porges' polyvagal theory is a great way to help us understand how the body’s three autonomic survival ‘states’ respond to stress and moments of overwhelm as we deal with the ups and downs of parenting.
The first sympathetic state is a desire to “fight or flee,” allowing us to prepare to mobilize and act quickly in the face of danger, showing up in various ways, like shopping, getting absorbed in work, or even trying our luck with gambling—essentially, any activity that helps us shift our focus from a perceived threat.
The second parasympathetic state is a place of dissociation and disconnection, causing “freeze” and shutdown, and is frequently accompanied by an inability to feel, either physically, emotionally, or both. In this situation, the body is acting as a defense mechanism against a serious threat. This threat could be imminent or a response to a reminder of past trauma, where your body thinks you are dealing with the trauma in the present.
The third ventral vagal state makes us feel happy, safe, connected, calm, and anchored. In this state, life feels good, relaxed, and engaged. The body relaxes and heals, allowing us to calm as we rest, digest, and repair. The vagal nerve is the unconscious highway between the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems, regulating our response to threat, followed by reconnectedness and calm.
Understanding these three survival states as an autonomic survival strategy to protect you will help you navigate emotions of overload, and it's critical to recognize that these feelings are normal and do not indicate that you are a bad parent. Struggling to say "no" is a brain reaction that’s affected by experience, not a personal weakness.
If you grew up in an environment where expressing your needs resulted in punishment, rejection, or even ridicule, your brain will have built neural connections that make saying "yes" the safer option, and setting boundaries may be unpleasant and upsetting. Experiencing the negative repercussions of "no" from an early age can lead to a deep-seated anxiety that comes from trauma and can lead to self-sabotage. As a result, our choice to say "yes" often comes from a desire to please others.
Setting limits for your children can be a bit challenging, especially when you're navigating through past experiences and your body's responses, whether it's in a sympathetic or parasympathetic state. Transitioning and regulating can then be challenging because of the high stress levels that come from being stuck in a constant sympathetic or parasympathetic state, often leading to emotional shutdown. When your body is getting ready for a challenge, it can be tough to find a balance when you're shifting from feeling overwhelmed to experiencing guilt. When this happens, it can be hard to connect with your children, and they might feel like your boundaries are either too strict or not there at all. When they don’t respect your limits and your “no,” it can feel like we’re being emotionally blackmailed and manipulated by our children, which isn’t the best for building healthy relationships.
The power of "no"!
Teaching your child the value of “no” is one of the most important lessons you can share with them. When you always give in to “yes,” it can send the message that they can use begging, whining, crying, tantrums, or stomping their feet to push past your boundaries. This helps to strengthen these behaviors as a means to achieve their desires.
When you're in a regulated state, your nervous system feels secure, and you’re grounded, connected, and adaptable. This helps you to naturally feel when "yes" is the right answer, instead of just reacting based on your survival instincts. Creating a strong relationship with your child means being honest and respecting each other's ability to say "no." Expressing your needs and saying “no” to your children then helps both them and you honor your boundaries. This not only keeps you safe but also helps rewire your brain, and theirs, to understand the strength of “no” without the need to validate the “whys.”
Finally, the decision to say "yes" or "no" in an argument is determined by whether you want to compromise with the drama of "no" or keep the peace and avoid conflict with "yes". Both "yes" and "no" allow you to communicate and achieve beneficial outcomes for everyone. Each brings something unique to your ability to create, communicate, collaborate, and thrive as a family unit.