After years of struggling with the shadows of my past, I had to come undone entirely before I could rise strong and unshakeable.
Throughout much of my adult life, I relied on work - especially the kind that demands intense focus & effort - as a way to manage and cope with the oppressive thoughts that almost always swirled around in my head. Even after a long day at work, I returned home and filled my evenings with various tasks & projects, deliberately keeping myself busy. Obsessive routines helped to create structure in my life, and they established a sense of order in what often felt like uncontrollable thought chaos. These routines became a crucial lifeline that maintained my mental health and well-being.
Staying busy had always been my coping strategy, but over time, I began to notice that even simple tasks felt overwhelming. I felt as though I was descending into a bottomless pit of despair. Despite my efforts to keep myself occupied, my coping mechanisms were no longer effective. I struggled to concentrate as self-critical thoughts became loud and relentless, making me feel like a failure. The demons I had spent what seemed like a lifetime escaping from resurfaced, and I slipped into a deep depression.
It’s hard to believe that nearly seven years have passed since I woke up in a hospital bed, confused and disoriented in the early hours of the morning. I remember scanning my body for signs of IV lines or any indication of why I was there. A woman was sitting in a chair reading and keeping watch over me. I asked what I was doing there, and she replied, “You took tablets.”
Panic set in as I struggled to remember the details of the night before; it felt like I was trapped in a bad dream. I kept telling myself that soon I would wake up, back in the comfort of my own bed. As the reality of my situation slowly settled, it felt as if the walls of the room were closing in, suffocating me. At that moment, I realized that I badly needed help, as I remembered why I was there.
That night in the hospital marked a significant turning point in my life. I could no longer ignore my past, and I realized that it was time to confront it. Knowing that I couldn’t navigate this journey alone, I began therapy and slowly began to peel back, like an onion, the layers of trauma. In this safe space, I learned to manage my overwhelming thoughts and emotions.
With each therapy session, I felt a weight lifting, finding strength in my vulnerability. It was empowering to recognize that I could overcome my struggles, and I started to see a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel. I began to believe in my ability to move forward, discovering that confronting my demons was the first step toward genuine healing. I now had the tools and support I needed to navigate my challenges and emerge even stronger.
Prioritizing self-care and setting healthy boundaries became my new normal, and this led me to a place of inner peace and acceptance. I discovered the skills I needed to create a brighter future, focusing on self-love and personal development. I started breaking free from the chains of my past, and this opened the door to the possibility of a life filled with positivity and purpose. It felt like I was rewriting my story, and I was ready to embrace a new chapter.
Writing became my companion on this journey, helping me to explore feelings and pain that I had been carrying for far too long. This cathartic process allowed me to heal and grow, leading to forgiveness for the hurt, neglect, and abuse I had experienced. Through writing, I discovered a sense of closure, letting go of the burdens that no longer served me. I forgave my abusers, acknowledging that they are now simply part of my history and hold no power over my present. As I forgave my abusers, I let go of the self-hatred that had weighed me down and found peace with my past. This wasn’t because those who hurt me apologized, but because I realized I had the power to free myself from their grasp. More importantly, I forgave myself and embraced the future, knowing I deserved love and happiness.
It’s important to note that forgiveness is one thing, while forgetting is something entirely different. The right to remember is personal to each individual. Forgetting is NOT a requirement for forgiveness, nor does it indicate that you are clinging to past hurt. The phrase “forgive and forget” is unrealistic; instead, it is essential to “never forget.” This way, you can respond appropriately in new relationships and establish healthy boundaries.
Pain transformed into strength, inspiring me to push beyond my limits and achieve what I once thought was impossible, ultimately making me a stronger, more resilient version of myself. Through my struggles, I learned to view the pain of trauma as an opportunity for growth and transformation. I discovered that resilience isn’t just about getting through tough times; it’s also about using those experiences to fuel personal development. Accepting my past trauma became the key to uncovering my true strength.